


Dirty

by sasukewasameme



Series: South Park Stan Marsh Angst [4]
Category: South Park
Genre: Abuse, Bad Parenting, Child Abuse, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Drug Use, Drugs, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Father-Son Relationship, I actually love Randy's character. I just needed there to be a bad guy and it happened to be him, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Incest, Parent/Child Incest, Past Child Abuse, Past Underage Sex, Physical Abuse, Rape Aftermath, Rape/Non-con Elements, Recreational Drug Use, Self-Harm, Sexual Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:42:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 12
Words: 12,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27174001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sasukewasameme/pseuds/sasukewasameme
Summary: Stan still pretends, to this day. He pretends that his family life is normal. He pretends his father isn't fucking him behind his mother's back. He pretends his sister doesn't watch them at times. He pretends his mom is someone he can trust. He pretends and pretends.PLEASE READ THE TAGS.Stan's 18. The underage tag is for scenes of the past.
Relationships: Randy Marsh & Stan Marsh
Series: South Park Stan Marsh Angst [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1976311
Comments: 25
Kudos: 35





	1. Introduction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This first chapter will be very triggering. It was hard for me to write. I needed to write the underage to explain how and when it started but, God, this is awful. Probably not the worst but it was hard for me. Go ahead and skip the first chap if it's too hard for you. It's mostly just an introduction.

Stan doesn't know when it first happened. Or, rather, he does but his mind makes him forget when he's drunk. And he doesn't know when he first started feeling dirty. All he knows is it was long ago. 

It was a secret. A dirty, disgusting secret. When he, Cartman, Kenny, and Kyle were little, he wouldn't let them catch on. They knew he hated his dad but they thought it was only because he was an alcoholic-druggie.

He hates them, somewhere in the back of his head. He hates them for not being able to figure out what was going on and not even trying. He hates Kyle for assuming most parents were good parents like his own. He hates Cartman for being too selfish to care. He hates Kenny for assuming his and Butters' parents were the worst in town simply because that's how it looked on the outside.

He hates them all. But most of all, he hates himself. 

Stan's father is an affectionate drunk. When he's drunk, he loves his wife. When he's drunk, he loves the town. And Stan's father likes drugs. He likes having fun. He thinks having fun is more important than loving. And Stan is reminded of those two things almost every day.

Randy Marsh us a simple man. He likes simple things and simple memories. And so, when he first crawled into Stan's room drunk and thought his son was his wife, he had one simple goal: to fuck. And when Randy wants to fuck, he gets to fuck. That's always how it's always gone. It's simple, really.

When Randy realized he was fucking someone with a penis and a squeaky male voice, he panicked. But then, he realized how much he liked it. It was fucked up but he was having fun. And he liked fun. So, he continued. 

It would be lie if he said that wasn't one of the best fucks he'd had in his lifetime. 

So, Randy felt bad the next day. He felt bad but he can't forget how good that felt. For the next several days, while Stan was bruised and in tears, he tried finding something that would compare to what it felt like to have sex with his son. 

He fucked a horse, a cow, a pig, but none of them compared to what his son felt like. He soon found himself having these urges to do it again. He wanted nothing more than to feel good. To have fun. To be happy. And happiness is a mix between feeling good and having fun.

Randy found himself slipping into his lust and gave in one day. But he wouldn't do so without alcohol. He needed alcohol to numb the guilt he felt. So, he got drunk and stumbled into Stan's room. Stan was sleeping quietly and, wait. Was that alcohol he had under his blanket?

Randy just smiled. Like father like son. And Randy fucked his son again. The tears that ran down his son's eyes and the sobs were even more of a turn on. And that's when Randy knew; he was a sick bastard. But unlike others, he was able to completely accept this fact and rather than moving on, he embraced it.

The days continued and Randy violating his son became a routine. But just as Randy had gotten rougher, Stan had gotten smarter. He'd purposely have sleepovers at his friend's house so he could avoid him. He also tried sleeping in more public places like the living room so his father wouldn't violate him anymore.

But just because Stan was getting smarter didn't mean Randy was getting dumber. Randy knew what to do. If his son wanted to hide at night, he'd start doing it during the day when no one was around. He'd purposely go out of his way to drunkenly drive to Stan's school, sign him out, and bring him home to fuck him.

Whenever he was sober, he felt extreme guilt and paranoia that others would find out. His drinking and drug use became much heavier and so did his abuse of Stan. The more he drank and did drugs, the more he violated his son. 

One day, Stan took one of Randy's bottles of alcohol from his hand and drank it while they were doing their routine. After that, it became an agreement between the two. Stan would keep his mouth shut about the abuse if Randy provided himq with drugs to deal with the abuse.

It was the only way Stan was able to continue living. Randy could see it in the kid's eyes. He was going to kill himself without drugs. As time went on, Randy became less and less careful. One day, Shelly walked in on him kissing Stan with his hand on his thigh and he stopped immediately, paranoia filling his body and mind.

"What's going on here? What are you doing with the turd?" Randy was frozen in fair. "If you don't tell me anything, I'll tell mom." Stan looked almost as worried as Randy did. He didn't want everyone to know he was being abused. They'd most certainly call him a fag.

"Look, Shelly," said Randy. "I'll do whatever you want. Just don't tell your mother." Shelly wanted a book. That was all. She cared so little for her brother that a book was good enough to deal the deal. And Randy was glad. He was definitely no longer going to berate her for beating up her brother anymore.

Stan got older and the abuse only worsened.


	2. Birthday Party

"You're legal now," says Randy, as if it matters. But it doesn't because he never cared about age before. Stan drinks some whiskey to deal with being around his dad. He pretends he's used to his relationship with his father but really, he just stands it. (Does he stand it?) And he can only stand it because of the drugs and alcohol. 

His dad puts his hand on his thigh and he knows what his dad wants. He knows the man better than anyone. But he feigns oblivion because he'd rather stall and shrug his dad off than let his dad give him a blowjob in the school parking lot. 

Just before they leave the school, Stan gets a message from Kyle. 'Can you pick us up at the lake?' He assumes he means Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman. He's having a birthday party today. He looks to his dad. "My friends need to be picked up at the lake. Can we get them?"

Randy nods. "Anything for the birthday boy." They pick up Stan's friends and they talk excitedly as they go to Stan's house. His mom, dad, and sister won't be at the party because he specifically asked for a private birthday party with just his friends so he won't get embarassed.

They didn't think much of it and let his party be private. Clyde is the one who planned the party and invited everyone. Bebe decorated it. It was kind of them and his friends bring some warmth to his broken heart. He makes sure there's drugs and alcohol there and Kyle gives a small look of disappointment but doesn't lecture him so as not to ruin the party.

Stan gets more drunk than he thought he would. He usually drinks enough to get a buzz and doesn't mind getting high but getting full-on drunk around his friends always ends badly so he usually avoids it. But today he can't help it. He's 18 now and he always thought he'd kill himself by the time he'd become an adult.

Even worse, Stan has always dreamed of getting away from his parents and home when he turns 18 but the fact that it's not as easy as he thought it was hits him in the face. He always thought it was as simple as getting a job, renting an apartment, and going to college. 

But Stan was too high to get a job and he was too depressed to learn how to drive. Half of his dreams have been crushed and the other half linger desperately. At this point, he's even worse than Towelie. And it takes him a second to catch up to the fact that he's telling this to everyone out loud.

Since when had he walked over to join the circle of truth or dare? Since when had he decided to vent a little too honestly yet not honestly enough? But everyone is staring at him and he doesn't know what to say. "Are you okay. Stan?" Asks Kyle. "Yeah, dude. You're really fucked up," says Cartman.

And Stan thinks Cartman means he's fucked in the head. What Cartman really means, though, is that he's really wasted. But they're misunderstanding each other and Stan is getting more emotional. Most people would figure that Stan would start lashing out at Cartman after misunderstanding what he said but instead, tears come to his eyes.

"I know," he sobs, because he knows he's fucked up. He knows he has problems. He knows how much he hates himself. And most of all, he knows that last time he got this drunk, he'd tried to commit suicide by slitting his wrists. He knows he did it wrong and that if he really wants to die, he needs to find a better method. 

He stands up, leaves the circle, and grabs the highest alcohol content bottle he can find. But Kyle followed him and he knows Stan better than anyone in the room. "No, Stan. You're not going to kill yourself." The room goes quiet and everyone is staring.

Stan is immediately embarrassed at how easily Kyle caught on but he swallows down the emberassment and tries to act tough. "It's my birthday, Kyle. Stop trying to ruin it." He takes the alcohol and starts chugging as much of it as he can without throwing up. 

Kyle acts fast, grabbing Stan's hand and forcing the bottle from his lips. Stan pushes him away and brings the bottle back to his lips. This time, he chugs as much as he can, not caring if he'll throw up or not. He does throw up. But when he's done vomiting, he continues.

"Oh my God," says Wendy, horrified. Stan catches a glance at the terrified looks on his friends' faces and ignores them. He wants - no, needs - to die. He wishes they could understand what he's feeling. 

Kyle lunges himself at Stan, struggling so, so hard to get Stan to stop. They end up fist fighting, punching each other and kicking. The other guys quickly follow, trying to hold Stan down while Kyle and (surprisingly) Cartman make Stan release his grip on the alcohol. 

Stan's body gives in and he loses the fight. But he still wants to die. He's unsatisfied. All he wanted was death and they couldn't give him such a simple thing as that for his birthday. Stan's mind is still behind so when he feels the tears on his face, he wonders when they started flowing.

Butters and some of the girls are crying, upset at the whole situation. "Dude. I told you you need to stop doing drugs," says Kyle. But Kyle clearly doesn't understand. And he never will. He has good parents. He has a normal relationship with his dad. He doesn't have a sister who beats him up all the time. 

Without the ability to think before speaking due to being drunk, Stan says, "Kyle. You get live in all of the healthy ways while I get love in only the toxic ways. You don't understand." Kyle takes offense to this. "What do you mean I don't understand? Because neither do you!"

Stan flinches slightly. It goes unnoticed. "There are kids out there who are abused by their parents every day. Yeah, your dad's a druggie and your sister's a bitch but you don't have to deal with shit like that. You should be grateful."

The thought of his dad being a good parents makes him throw up and he passes out.


	3. Pretend

Stan wakes up and he assumes he's on his bed but when he flips over, he realizes he's on a couch. He opens his eyes, hoping he's on his own couch. Luckily, he is. "You're awake," says Kyle's voice. Stan turns around. "How are you feeling?" Stan groans. "Hungover." 

Kyle looks a mix between angry and concerned. "Stan. I thought you said you'd try to stop drinking and doing drugs." Stan sighs. He doesn't want to deal with this but all the same, he owes him an explanation. "I tried," says Stan. "It was just too hard."

Now, Kyle is definitely angry. "I don't get it. What's so hard in your life that you have to drink and do drugs all the time? I know you, Stan. Better than anyone. And I know your life isn't the best but I also know it's most definitely not the worst."

Stan has a headache. 

"Look," starts Stan. He wants to be honest. He really does. But he can't tell the full truth yet. He can't. "There's shit you don't know. I have my own problems too. Just-" a sigh, "nothing's as perfect as you think it is." And he knows Kyle's tired of hearing that.

"Like what, Stan? If you don't tell me your problems, I can't help you. And maybe you should tell your parents. Or even Shelly. Shelly wouldn't let anyone else hurt you." Stan wants to scoff but he keeps it to himself. Yeah, right. Shelly doesn't give a shit. And his parents? For starters, his dad is the one who's hurting him.

He shakes his head. "It's not as easy as that." But Kyle still doesn't get it. "But why? Do you know how frustrating this is? I would tell you anything, Stan. It kinda hurts to know that you feel like you can't confide in me."

Guilt hits Stan and he lowers his head. "I'm sorry, Kyle. I tell you everything I can but I'm just not ready to talk about it yet." And this makes Kyle feel better because Stan said "yet," meaning he would tell someday. This is progress, even if only a little.

"And for the record, you'd be the first person I'd ever tell. Before family and friends." Kyle smiles at him. "Thanks." "It's true," says Stan and he smiles back. "Well, I told your parents I'd leave when you wake up. I'll go tell them you're awake. We didn't tell them you tried to kill yourself. We'll talk more about that later."

Stan shouldn't be surprised. Kyle is going to give him a talk about his suicide attempt later. He's even more surprised that he remembers what happened last night. Kyle gets his parents like he said he would and leaves. 

"So, I assume you enjoyed your party," says Sharon Marsh. Stan doesn't know what to say. "Yeah. And you didn't save me any drugs," says Stan's dad. "Randy," his mom corrects with a look. She turns her attention back to Stan. "Are you okay?" 

Stan nods. But no. He's not. His dad's going to be rough with him tonight because he didn't save him any drugs and his dad has a punishment kink. "Let me spend some time to talk to our son about drug use," Randy tells Sharon.

She wants to call him a hypocrite but nods instead. "I need to go to the store anyways. I'll be back in a couple hours." Great. Stan has to be stuck with his dad for two hours. "Are you okay?" Sharon asks a second time when she sees the stress on Stan's face.

"I'm fine. Just hungover." She looks slightly skeptical but heads out anyways "I'll be back later." "Alright. Seeya, Sharon," says Randy. Right when Sharon leaves, Randy gestures for Stan to lay down. Stan does as he says and spreads his legs for him. 

One of Randy's favorite things about sex with his son is undressing him so he takes his sweet time. He plays with Stan's nipples and moves lower, taking off his pants and boxers. He pulls his own pants down. His erection is already hard. 

He takes a whip from his pants and whips Stan's legs. "This is your punishment for not saving any drugs for me. I can't believe you'd do that, Stanley. Don't you love me? I'm your father," Randy says dramatically. He whips Stan again. This time on his torso. 

It hurts. It hurts. But there's nothing Stan can do about it. He's powerless against his father. Last time he tried running from him, his dad raped him until he passed out. He doesn't want to experience the pain of that ever again. No, he thinks. He can take this. He can take the whip.

Randy whips Stan a few more times before he's impatient and wants to get to fucking. He lifts Stan's legs up and positions himself. Then. He shoves in with nothing but selfishness. Stan has developed a coping mechanism over the years. A mechanism to pretend that what's happening to him isn't happening.

It's hard to do, though, as the pain is extreme and tears unwillingly fall down his face. The pain forces him into the present, not letting him pretend he's not there. Randy whips him as he moves. His dad likes to fuck hard which only makes things worse. 

As he gets more and more accustomed to the pain, Stan is able to space out and although he still feels the pain, he can pretend this isn't happening. He can pretend that it's not his dad who's doing this to him but rather an evil criminal who broke into their house. 

It's twisted but he has no other way of coping besides drugs. 

Stan has always had a hard time accepting things. When something is wrong, he stands against it. So when he realized there was nothing at all he could do to stand against his father, it broke him. There was nothing he could do about it so instead of standing against it, he started pretending it didn't happen. 

He still pretends, to this day. He pretends that his family life is normal. He pretends his father isn't fucking him behind his mother's back. He pretends his sister doesn't watch them at times. He pretends his mom is someone he can trust. He pretends and pretends.

He's scared his play pretend will shatter someday. He's scared someone will tell him the truth. The truth that he's being abused. The truth that his family is anything but normal. 

And all that Stan wants to do is die.


	4. Kicked Out

They clean up right before Sharon gets home. Stan goes to his room and acts like nothing happened. His legs aren't working right but he knows how to fake it. His bottom and bottom back hurt but what's new? He waits until dinner is close to coming before he starts feeling nervous again.

His dad likes to "play" with him during dinner. He gets off on humiliation. Hopefully his dad won't be horny enough to do this today because they already fucked. 

Stan makes it clear that his dad fucks him and refuses to call it sex. Sex is mutual. Fucking is one or two people getting off with no purpose other than to feel good. That's what his dad does. His dad fucks and he just sits there and takes it. He feels like he's just as bad as his dad for letting him. 

"Stanley!" His mom calls. "Dinner's ready!" He gets up and goes downstairs. Last time he tried avoiding sitting next to his dad, he was punished severely. He doesn't want to suffer that again so he sits next to his father whether he wants to or not.

Dinner is served and it's chicken with potatoes. Unfortunately for Stan, Randy is feeling horny and so he reaches down and stuffs his hand in his pants. Through all of the years of doing this, Stan has sworn his mom has seen Randy doing this. There's no way she hasn't noticed. 

He thinks his mom also pretends. She pretends not to see anything even when it's so painfully clear Randy is stuffing his hand down their son's pants. Stan has seen her get up before and in doing so, she's seen Randy's arm under the table touching their son.

Yes, she also likes to pretend.

Stan can hardly stand the absolute humiliation of his dad's hand touching him in front of everyone "secretly." He needs drugs and he needs them now. He squirms and touches his dad's arm, trying to get him to stop touching him. 

When he pulls on his dad's arm, he lifts it for a second in fear of being found out but when no one gives a reaction, he puts his hand back in Stan's pants. Ah, yes. Snorting some Hydrocodone will do nicely and the only way he's able to make it through dinner is with that one thought in his head.

When dinner is over, Stan asks if he can go hang out with his friends. He's 18 but he still has to ask for permission. "Yeah. When are you gonna be back?" Asks Randy. Stan shrugs. Hopefully, he can stay the night. "Okay," says Sharon. Just makes sure to call us when you decide to come home."

Stan is surprised. She usually wants him to say exactly when he'll be back. Maybe turning 18 recently will make a difference. He finds himself walking to Eric's house with that happy thought in mind. Maybe now that he's 18, some things will change and he won't have to be home as much.

When he gets there, Kyle, Kenny, and Eric are eating KFC. Stan feels sick anyways and doesn't want to eat. He has some crushed Hydros in his pocket in case be needs them. Ms. Cartman stays out of their way and eats in her room. When her door's closed, Kyle makes a serious face and begins talking.

"We need to talk about your suicide attempt," he says. Eric interrupts. "Boo. No one wants to hear about Stan's stupid teenage angst." Both Kyle and Kenny give Cartman an annoyed look before Kyle continues. "What can we do to help you?" 

Stan doesn't mean to be some downer but there's literally nothing they can do to help so he says, "nothing." "There. See? There's nothing we can do to help him. Now let's go play some video games," says Eric. 

"Shut up, Cartman," says Kyle. "Look. I don't expect you to tell us your problems right now. I just want to know how we can help." Stan sighs and thinks of a way that would get them off his ass but would also satisfy them.

"You can help me by distracting me and not talking about it. Not talking about it makes me think less about my problems and makes me less pessimistic," says Stan. It's the one way he can think of that will get them to stop trying to ask him things while making them satisfied at the same time.

But Kyle knows better. "You just want us to get off your ass about it." And Stan's annoyed by how smart Kyle is. "Look, dude. There's nothing you can do to help me. Just accept that and move on." But Kyle doesn't want to accept that. 

"Look, Stan. All we wanna do is help you." Stan is upset, though. He's tired of being humiliated by his dad. He's tires of his bottom and bottom back hurting. He's tired of keeping secrets. "You're not helping me, though," he says. "You're only making things worse."

"Well, then maybe you need to deal with things yourself!" Stan feels hopeless at those words because all he's been doing his entire life is dealing with things himself. "I already do!" He yells. Cartman seems to be enjoying himself while Kenny is staying out of it. 

Kyle looks down and rather than anger crossing his face, he looks concerned. "Stan. I have no idea what's going on with you but," Kyle looks at Cartman and Kenny, "come back to us when you've figured it out." Stan realizes what Kyle is saying.

He's kicking him out of their friend group. Stan says the only thing he can think of. "Fuck you. I don't need you in my life." He gets up and leaves the house, feeling even worse than he did before. When he gets home, he refuses to cry. Instead, he drinks. He drinks until he pukes. 

I'm all alone now, he thinks before his eyes droop and he passes out.


	5. Alone

School the next day is awful. Everyone's talking about both his suicide attempt and his fight with Kyle. Stan usually sits next to Kyle in class but today he sits at a desk in the corner in the back of the room. He brought his drugs and some alcohol to school with him and took Hydros this morning. 

The ecstasy of the Hydros is helping him deal with his loneliness because who cares if you're lonely when you're high? He skips lunch and sits outside to smoke instead. He looks at the work around him. It looks different now that he's alone. It's somehow darker. 

He looks at the field of grass and the pieces of grass seem more individual and alone now. Each blade of grass has its own sad story, whether it be that it's always stepped on and used or that it's born alone and will die alone. 

But, Stan thinks, at least the blades of grass fit in somewhere. He, however, is out of place and has nowhere he belongs. The one group who accepted him kicked him out. Being lonely is fun in a group but it loses its charm when it's true.

It's a lyric from 'Get Well' by Icon For Hire and it fits his situation so very well. He could hang out with the Goths if he wanted to but he'd rather not. He just wants his usual friends back. It's not even been 24 hours since he was kicked out but it already feels like a decade.

Stan wonders if he really will be able to deal with all of this by himself. Without friends. Without support, no matter how small. He knows his suicidal thoughts will only got worse from here on out... He shakes himself out of his thoughts.

The Hydros have clearly worn off because his thoughts are getting too dark. He looks around, sees no teacher around, and swallows down some booze until he gets a buzz. He stops there, not wanting to fuck up and try killing himself on campus of all places because he stupidly decided to get drunk.

He puts his booze back in his backpack and thinks about life. He loves drugs and alcohol because when he's not hem, he thinks deep thoughts without the sadness accompanying it. While thinking, he wonders why he came to school in the first place.

His dad is at work and his sister's at school so there's no problem with him going home. Yeah, he'll have to walk for a while but walking is better than being at school. But for some reason, when the bell rings, he walks to class. 

Stan sees Kyle giving him glances in the corner of his eye during math class. He ignores the glances and pretends he doesn't see them but if he's being truthful, he wants to glance back. He wants to see Kyle's face and he wants to gauge how he's doing.

He wants to see Kyle's regret over kicking him out. But when he finally gives in and chances a glance, Kyle is laughing and talking to Kenny. He looks perfectly happy and normal. Even through the alcohol, Stan feels hurt. It doesn't matter though. Because he doesn't need anyone, he tells himself.

School ends on a terrible note and Stan wishes he'd just gone home. He's far from hungry because he's so upset and will probably skip dinner tonight. When he gets home, he takes a depressed nap until dinner is ready.

He doesn't have the energy to go downstairs, though, which results in Randy punishing him later at night. The punishment is worse than he thought it'd be. Rather than Randy whipping him several times, he's whipped dozens of times. And then, Randy chokes him while he fucks him.

Stan gets hard and he hates himself so much. He calls himself names like "masochist" and "fucking gross" and he wonders if it's true that he's a masochist because why else would his body enjoy it? There's a cross on the wall as he's being roughly pounded into.

He thinks about whether there's a God in this world and wonders if he's being punished for something he did in a past life. He begs God for this to end. He'll do anything; he swears. But nothing happens and he's still being used as a cum dumpster. No lightning strikes his dad and no savior has come.

Stan's alone. There's no one who will save him. No one who will help him. He's fully alone. He turns his head from the cross as it did to him and looks at his father. All he has in his life is this man who rapes him nearly every day, a sister who beats him, and a mom who pretends their family is holy.

He has nothing. Tears come to his eyes and he's angry at himself for letting them pour. He hears the grunts of his father and it feels plain wrong. But just like always, what's new? This happens all the time. This is his life. The only difference is that now he's really alone, with no friends to seek the warmth of care from.

It's strange to think of Cartman as a caring individual but Cartman just being there has always been helpful enough. He doesn't need Cartman to care. He just needs him to be there. That's all he wishes for. He wishes for someone who will be there, whether it's his old friends or not. 

He hears his phone vibrate on his bed side and his dad, who also happens to be controlling, looks at it. "Did you get in a fight with your friend? Your friend, Wendy, wants to know if you're okay and that she's rooting for the both of you."

Stan just wants his dad to pull out of him and leave so he nods to ensure his dad knows he heard him and encourages the man to continue so he can just get this over with. He finds no point in resisting so he just tries what he can do to get his dad to cum so he'll leave already.

But Randy wants to drag this one out. Tears finally fall down Stan's face and he starts to sob. This is his final breaking point. He can't handle it anymore. He just wants his dad to get off of him. All of this is his dad's fault. All of it. 

He finally musters up the courage to tell his dad to "get off of me. I can't deal with this today." But his dad's grip gets tighter and he grabs the whip again. "That's not how you speak to your father, Stanley." Randy thinks Stan is enjoying this. He thinks he's getting off on it because why else would Stan be hard?

But when Stan starts struggling, he realizes that he's not enjoying it. "Oh. You're not liking this?!" He's angry. "Am I just not going rough enough for you?" Stan cries harder. "No, dad. That's not it. Please just stop. Please. Shit. I'll do anything. Please just stop." 

Those words get Randy to stop. "You'll do anything?" Stan realizes what he said and immediately recognizes it as a mistake. "No. I-" But Randy is pulling out and grabbing his clothes. "Fine," he whined. He awkwardly gets up and leaves the room, not listening to Stan.

Stan regrets his words but it's too late to take it back. He curls up and cries.


	6. Not Purposely Mute

In the morning, Stan checks the message. Wendy just wants to know if he's okay. He reassures her he's fine and turns off his alarm before going back to sleep and purposely missing the bus. 

Stan skips school not just today but also for the next few days. He tells his mom he's sick and when she starts threatening to take him to the hospital, he starts going back to school. He hears whispers. "Where was Stan?" "Do you think he killed himself?" "Is he still on drugs?"

His locker unfortunately happens to be next to Kyle's and he left his stuff in there so he ends up seeing Kyle earlier than expected. He quickly walks to his locker, grabs his stuff, and shuts his locker. At that moment, Kyle notices he's there.

Stan sighs. He doesn't want to deal with this but he has to. He squeezed his eyes shut, rubs them from stress, and turns around as if it's the biggest chore in the world. "Are... You okay, Stan?" Asks Kyle. Stan doesn't know whether he should give back an annoyed retort or if he should stay calm.

"Yeah. I'm fine." He takes the calmer approach. Besides, there's no point in being dramatic. He's so, so tired of everything. He decides he doesn't have the energy to argue, let alone to be honest about how he's really doing so he settles with the usual, 'I'm fine" bullshit.

Kyle is concerned. Stan hasn't been going to school the last few days and he clearly isn't doing okay. He feels bad for kicking him out of their friend group and he wants to make it up to him. He's on drugs all the time and he's worried he'll commit suicide. 

Even worse is Stan is clearly lying about being fine. Stan never lies to him about how he's feeling. Kyle feels terrible for pushing him to the point where he feels the need to lie. He lets his honest words flow. "I miss you, Stan. Wanna come back?"

Stan nods slowly and Kyle hugs him. Stan is taken by surprise from the hug but accepts it warmly. Cartman comes down the hall and says, "awe. Look, Kenny; it's the two gaywads." Stan ignores them. They break the hug and all four of them walk to class together. 

Even though he and Kyle are friends again, Stan feels as if he can't tell Kyle the negative things in his life in fear that Kyle might kick him out for being negative again. He feels the need to pretend he's okay and even though it'll be hard, it'll be worth it because he'll have his friends with him.

So, through the next week, Stan pretends to be optimistic about everything. It's even harder on him than he thought it'd be because he gets overwhelmed and ends up doing drugs and/or drinking every night. Sometimes, he finds himself crying from how damn overwhelmed he is by pretending to be happy.

Kyle realized Stan was faking his happiness when he saw how abnormally positive he was being. Not only that but his smile doesn't reach his eye which, admittedly it never does, but it's still a valid point. He needs to talk to Stan about this.

Stan is sitting on his bed when Kyle messages him. 'Can you come over' He replies right away. 'Yeah sure' He knows he sounds desperate but truthfully, he is. It's almost time for dinner and he tries to avoid dinner as much as possible. 

He gets up, asks his mom if it's okay to hang with Kyle, and walks to Kyle's house. It's just him and Kyle today. No Cartman and Kenny. He doesn't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. They eat dinner and then spend time in Kyle's room.

"Dude. What's going on?" Asks Kyle. "What do you mean?" Stan asks too quickly. "You're being overly positive lately. Either you're suddenly doing better mentally or you're doing worse and faking being happy." Stan gets up, frustrated.

"Look, man. I don't know what you want from me. I'm too happy and you're upset or I'm being honest and negative which makes you upset. Which do you want me to be?" "Neither," says Kyle. "What I want for you is to be balanced in life. I want you to get better and if you need to be negative while getting better, that's okay."

Stan feels like arguing some more but he keeps his mouth shut, not wanting to start a fight. "Stan. I want you to be honest with me. You're still my best friend and I'm sorry for how I reacted the other day. I promise it won't happen again."

At that, Stan suddenly gets the urge to tell Kyle everything. Stan feels like a mute person who wishes desperately to speak but has lost his voice. He's clawing at his throat, trying to get it to speak. To utter even a little sound but his voice refuses to speak.

"Remember what I said? You can tell me what's wrong whenever you're comfortable with it. I admit it's annoying having to wait to know what's wrong with my best friend but I'll wait if that's what you need."

Tears start coming to Stan's eyes and he tries so hard to push them down. He has some Vyvanse in his pocket but does he dare take it in front of Kyle? No. He stops what he's thinking then and there. He can be however depressed he wants to be but he can't drag Kyle into his world of drugs.

He lets the tears spill onto Kyle's bed. Kyle looks very concerned. "Are you okay, dude?" Stan nods. He'll be okay, he tries to convince himself. He'll be okay. But Kyle wasn't kidding when he said he wants Stan to be honest and says, "are you really okay?" 

Stan doesn't want to lie so he shakes his head. He doesn't trust his voice to come out sounding normal and instead expects to sounds like a pussy so he stays silent. After their talk, Stan takes a deep breath and thinks.

He wants Kyle to spend the night at his house to help him get over his fears of inviting people over. If Kyle wants to help him get better, he might as well put some effort into it too. After several minutes, he gets the courage to ask before he chickens out and never asks. 

"Wanna spend the night at my house?" Kyle looks shocked. His mouth moves to speak but nothing comes out. Then, he replies. "Are you sure? I thought your mom hated people staying over?" Stan shakes his head.

"That was a lie. I can't tell you why I lied about that but I did." Kyle nods patiently in understanding. "Okay. I'll ask my mom." While Kyle asks his mom, Stan calls Randy to know if he's going to be punished for this later. Randy doesn't sound upset on the phone - in fact, he seems pleasantly surprised - so maybe he can avoid punishment.

Kyle comes back up the stairs. "My mom said I can." "Okay. My dad said you can sleep over. Wanna go right now?" Stan asks. "Sure," says Kyle, and they make their way to Stan's house.


	7. The Sleepover

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God, this was triggering to write. Why do I do this to myself? I suppose all of my non-con ff are a way of me coping with my own traumas. And I've gotten pretty far. In the beginning, I used to write ff with nothing sexual because it triggered me too much. Now, I can write rape scenes.

"Wow. I haven't been to your house in, like, forever," Kyle says, giving the living room a good look. Stan just nods. His mom let them in and Stan's just waiting to see his dad's reaction to his friend. Everyone knows Kyle and Stan are best friends but Randy still might have a fit, later, at someone being over at their house.

After several minutes of sitting in the living room, his dad finally comes out. "Staaan. Why couldn't you have just spent time with me?" To Kyle, it sounds like immature whining but to Stan, it sounds like jealousy and upset. This isn't good.

Gauging his dad's reaction, Stan concludes he'll be punished for this later. Randy sits between Kyle and Stan, no doubt purposely getting between them. "Stan. Go grab me a beer." Stan gets up and gets him a beer. He really hopes his dad won't get drunk tonight.

"Can we go to my room?" He asks his dad for permission. Randy nods and they leave. When Stan closes the door to his room, Kyle asks, "why do you have to ask your dad permission to go to your room?" Stan doesn't have any good answer for that so he just shrugs. "I dunno."

Kyle gives him a strange look but quickly moves on. "It's getting really late. I'm surprised my mom let me come over. I'm going to sleep." Stan makes room in his bed and motions for him to sleep with him. Kyle gets undressed to his boxers and gets in the bed. 

Kyle falls asleep quickly and Stan follows soon after.

Stan's dreams go from a crazy sky adventure to a really sexual wet dream. It feels so real. A faceless person is kicking his nipples while a hand is on his penis, pumping him. He's really sensitive and he craves for more. He hopes that whoever it is will touch him more.

But, then, the hand that was on his penis moves further down and all the way to his anus. He wakes up suddenly only to find his dad's face right in front of his eyes. The good feelings don't go away and Stan quickly figures out that it wasn't a wet dream. It was real life.

His pants and underwear are pulled down, the covers aren't covering him, and his shirt had ridden up to under his armpits. "Shhhh," his dad warns him, and points to Kyle who's sleeping next to him. Stan is humiliated and so, so worried all at once.

What if Kyle wakes up to this? Randy is working on unbuckling his own belt. "Lay on your stomach," he says. Stan doesn't know better than to just do as he's told so he does exactly that and lays on his stomach. If his dad fucks him, there's no way Kyle won't wake up. At this rate, it's only a matter of time until he awakes. 

His dad's pants and underwear are on the ground now and every single small noise gives Stan a mini heart attack. He expects his dad to just enter him then and there but instead, Randy hits Stan's lips with his penis, trying to get him to suck. 

Stan complies and he sucks his dad off for a few minutes before his penis is wet enough to want to enter. This was where it gets tricky. Really tricky. Randy climbs on top of him and enters, which is painful regardless of the 'spit lube.' 

Randy takes Stan by the neck and chokes him when he starts moving. 

Kyle is woken up by movements on the bed and the second he opens his eyes, he quickly closes them again in fear of being seen. What the actual fuck is going on? He peeks through his arm one more time, this time looking for longer, and then he knows what he sees happening.

Is Stan being raped by his dad? He looks like he's sleeping and his dad is on top of him in the wrongest way ever. Kyle is filled with panic and worry. Will Randy try doing this to him too? What should he do? Randy starts moving in and out of Stan slowly and Kyle closes his eyes again, this time to protect himself from being traumatized by the situation which, frankly, is futile. 

After a few minutes of letting the situation process, Kyle gets the courage to do what he needs to do. He pretends to have just woken up and opens his eyes, moving slowly so his movements look sluggish. Stan's dad stops moving and he's frozen in fear.

"What are you doing?" Asks Kyle. He throws Randy a pathetic, fake smile and looks at him as if he understands the situation. "Oh. You're fucking Stan? He's pretty hot. I'm not surprised." He tries hard to make Randy not see him as a threat.

"Wanna fuck him with me?" And Kyle didn't expect that. He didn't expect that at all. Is Randy challenging him? Does he think that if Kyle fucks Stan, he won't be a threat? Damn. The man's smarter than he thought. He thinks fast and cones up with a way to stall. "Sure," he says, making sure to sound excited. "But I gotta go to the bathroom first."

Randy looks at him suspiciously but then he nods. Kyle gets a good look at Stan before leaving the room. His eyes are open but he looks scared and pained. Randy starts ramming into him violently and Kyle almost can't take it. 

He hopes the disgust doesn't show on his face and walks to the bathroom. In the bathroom, he takes out his phone and calls the police. "911. What's your emergency?" Comes the voice of a woman. "My friend is being raped by his dad. I got to the bathroom so I could call you guys without his dad finding out."

"Okay. And where are you?" He tells them the address and keeps his voice as low as possible. He might have to hang up with the police if Randy starts to suspect anything. The police says they'll be there as soon as possible and they hang up. Kyle's mind is going through trauma and he has a hard time remembering what else he told the police before hanging up.

All that matters right now, though, is getting Stan safe. He feels emotional pain and wonders how long this has been going on for. He feels like a terrible friend for not stopping Randy. He stays in the bathroom until he absolutely has to leave and makes his way back to Stan's room.

"Close the door behind you and turn the light on," says Randy. Kyle does as he says and he doesn't think he's ever been so scared in his whole life. He can see Stan clearly now and there's blood on his butt and he has welts and bruises all over his back.

What should he do? How can he stall now? Randy motions for Kyle to move forward and he'd be able to make up an excuse not to if he wasn't so damn terrified. He walks forward and Randy clearly wants him to touch Stan so he puts his hand on his back.

"No. Not like that," says Randy. And then Kyle finds out something about himself. He finds out that he doesn't have the physical or mental ability to sexually abuse someone. His mind feels like it's out of his body and he floats there, body unmoving. 

There's nothing he can do about this. He can't and won't touch Stan and no doubt Randy's seen through his bluff by now. "You little..." He says, obviously aware of Kyle's lies now. Then, he asks the question. "Did you tell the police?" Kyle doesn't know what to do. He's never been trained for this. So he continues to stay still in fear.

Then, there's the sound of people knocking at the door. Kyle sighs in relief but he still feels like he's floating outside of his body, a new trauma being formed. But Randy isn't the one who goes downstairs to get the door. It's Sharon. And while the police question her, Randy puts his focus on Kyle.

He calls him a "snitch" and then starts to swing at him. And it hurts but it feels like there's nothing else he can do so he lets him. His mind does another time skip thing and suddenly, Randy is being pulled off of him. He can't remember what happened between Randy beating him up and the police coming but that's a trauma to figure out for another day.

Stan sits up on his bed and pulls his pants up, then pulls his shirt down. The police wait for an ambulance and Kyle gets off the ground. He is utterly shocked. The situation has him numb and helpless. He watches as everything happens around him and feels like he's out of this world.

The police pull Kyle aside and start questioning him. The questions only created new traumas and made Kyle feel bad for not doing anything and going so far as to encourage it so he'd have time to call the police. He hopes Stan will forgive him, although he'll understand if he doesn't. He's never felt like such a wuss.

He's let off by the police and he goes home, the cold night air biting him. And he thinks he deserves it.


	8. Confrontation

Stan is taken to the police station and given a DNA rape kit and taken to a room. He is told to undress and he stands on a large white paper. All he feels is extreme anxiety. What's going to happen once his dad is convicted? Will his mom and sister get in trouble too?

They have to scrape his skin, genitalia, and anus with swabs to get evidence of his father's dna. It's worse than awful. He's being touched by strangers and he doesn't like it. He doesn't want to be touched. He just doesn't. He'd honest to God rather die than have to complete this rape kit but he can't exactly kill himself in front of the forensics.

He decides it then and there. He'll pretend he's doing emotionally okay and when he gets home, he'll commit suicide. He's already deciding how he'll do it. He'll overdose on a bunch of ibuprofen and hopefully die from it.

He'll tell Kyle goodbye first. Kyle deserves to know none of this is his fault.

When the rape kit is done, the police ask him questions. Too many to count. How long has this been going on? How often does it happen? Why didn't you do anything to stop it? Once everything is over, Stan feels like he's been drained of all of his life force.

The only purpose and energy he has left is directed at killing himself. His mom has already being questioned and the police deemed her safe to go home to. No doubt his sister lied about watching Randy rape him at times. He knows he did. Oh, well, he tries to tell himself. He won't have to deal with anyone anymore.

When Stan gets home, he goes straight to the bathroom to get ibuprofen but his mom will probably want to talk to him. And as if being called on que, he hears footsteps up the stairs and knocking on the door. "Stanley?" Her voice sounds sad and shaky.

"What?" He asks. "We need to talk," she says. Stan drops his head in some sort of defeat and puts the ibuprofen back for now. "Fine," he says. He flushes the toilet and waits a second before washing his hands, pretending he went to the bathroom.

He figures she's going to apologise to him for not doing anything about it and prepares to deal with her guilty sobs. They sit across from each other in the living room on the couch. She started sobbing the second they sat down. "I'm so sorry," she cries out. "I didn't know what to do. I know I'm a terrible person. I just wanted to pretend nothing was happening."

Stan realizes he has to make one of the biggest decisions in his life right now. Will he forgive his mom and continue pretending it will he be honest with himself about the hate he harbors for her in his heart? He decides to do both.

He decides being passive aggressive is the best option. "I just don't understand," he says. "Why didn't you do anything about it?" He wants to ask if she cared for Randy more than her own son but at the end if the day, he lives his mom and doesn't want her to commit suicide so he decides to be as gentle as he can considering the circumstances.

"I saw it happening one day and got scared. He was groping you under the kitchen table and you looked absolutely humiliated. I didn't want to humiliate you even more by pointing it out and told myself I'd talk to Randy about it later." She sobs some more and sniffles. 

"But I couldn't get up the courage to confront Randy about it. It happened again and I told myself once again that I'd confront Randy or at least call the police. But, again, I became too scared to. So, I kept it a secret and when I saw it happening, I began to pretend it wasn't happening at all."

She continues, "I'm so sorry, Stanley. I hated myself so bad. Every time Randy was spending private time with you, I knew it was going on but I didn't do anything about it. I'm so sorry." After that, her sobs become recurring "I'm sorry's." Stan feels betrayed and when he opens his mouth to speak nothing but a sob comes out. 

He doesn't want to cry in front of his mom because for 2) she ruined his life so she doesn't deserve to see his tears and for 2) he doesn't want her to blame herself because he loves her. He's caught up in so many mixed emotions. "Do you still want me in your life?" She asks in between her tears.

And Stan cries even harder because yes, he wants his loving mom in his life but she hurt him so bad. He cries about how much he loves his mom and how he doesn't want her to leave him because he knows he knows he shouldn't love her anymore.

"Let me think about it," he says. The words surprise him because he expected himself to automatically say he wants to be with her. He goes to his room after going to pick up the ibuprofen bottle in the bathroom and writes a quick letter to Kyle and after several minutes, he decides to write one to his mom too, worried she'll commit suicide. 

This is it, he thinks. It's over. For real. He downs the ibuprofen several pills at a time and finds himself unable to continue due to feeling sick halfway through. Then, he takes several sleep aids. He listens to music l, waiting to pass out and go to sleep. He lays on his bed. All of the sheets are gone and so are the covers. The police took them as evidence.

He thinks about how much he won't miss life which results in him thinking about the few things he will miss. After thinking about all three of his friends, he decides to write to Kenny, Butters, and Cartman too. He falls asleep listening to his favorite music and sobbing.


	9. Expressing Emotions (Or Lack Thereof)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not much happens in this chapter. Just explored Stan's relationship with his mom some more.

"Augh." Stan vomits onto his face and pillow violently and he's too tired to stay awake so he goes back to sleep.

His body and head feel so heavy and he vomits again, this time on the other side of his pillow. Once again, he goes back to sleep. 

His mom rarely goes to his room so he's not surprised when she doesn't wake him up. Instead, he himself wakes up from, you'll never guess it; vomiting yet again. Except this time, he doesn't go back to sleep. He wipes his face with his covers but he doesn't have the energy to clean the vomit up.

He feels so sick and shaky. He lays in bed for two more whole hours before finally getting up to go downstairs. He throws up some more downstairs which, luckily, his mom doesn't hear. When he's done, he goes to the living room to face his mom even though he doesn't want to.

"Your sister is being tried," she says. But how? Stan didn't snitch on her for knowing and pleasuring herself during the rape so who opened their mouth about it? Sharon knows Stan well enough to know what he wants to ask. 

"I told them. I had a breakdown and told them everything." He isn't sure how he feels about that. He cares about his sister and has always blamed his dad for her behavior. She was used too. Their dad liked exhibitionism and encouraged her to masturbate to them fucking at too young of an age to understand.

On the other hand, she should be old enough now to know that continuing to watch them is wrong. The more he thinks about it, the more he questions why he cares about her. She beats him up often and is never nice to him. He tries not to think about it.

This whole damn situation is a mess. He wishes it would just go away. He has school tomorrow and he has to face the rumors and gossip. He doesn't have the energy to deal with any of this right now so he doesn't reply and ends the conversation there.

"Are you okay, Stan?" There's double meaning to the question but he pretends he doesn't know that and answers as if she's speaking about physically. "I just feel a little sick. That's all." She looks like she's going to cry again. She must think it's her fault that he feels sick.

She's really a kind woman, Stan tells himself. Look at how upset she is for not telling on Randy. He's not sure if he'll ever be able to fully trust her with his life again but he still needs her in his life. Watching her cry makes him push down tears himself. He's a man. He doesn't need to cry. He can handle this.

He really does need his mom in his life so he comes to the decision. "I still want you in my life, mom." His voice comes out choked and he wants to punch himself for sounding so weak. She nods in acknowledgement to what he said but cries harder.

"I don't feel like I deserve to be in your life," she sobs. Stan feels his lip quiver. "But you do deserve to be in my life," he says. She shakes her head. "No. I don't." He feels like he needs to pretend to be happy so she'll stop being upset with herself.

And Stan has to wonder; will anything ever be the same again? Is his relationship with his mom forever changed? He hopes not. In a way, he wishes things would go back to normal. Now that everything is out in the open, his relationship with his family and friends might change. 

He still feels sick and wants to go to his room but he's also not sure if it's safe to leave his mom by herself. He sits next to her and looks down. He's not good with expressing emotion. "Mom. Please don't-" he stumbles over his words, trying to figure out a way to tell her not to hurt herself indirectly.

"Everything would be even worse if anything happened to you," he finally says so that she knows hurting herself will only hurt him. And he gets a kick out of this because he just tried to kill himself which makes him the world's biggest hypocrite. The more depressed he is, the more he enjoys dark humor.

Deciding she's safe for now, he goes back to his room to sleep some more. And throws up a little more after waking up. "Sweetie? Are you okay?" His mom knicks on his door. "Yeah," he says. "I just feel sick. Remember?" He can imagine her nodding. "Yeah. I know. Just wanted to make sure."

He guesses she's checking on him too. She's probably aware that he wants to kill himself too. Maybe if they were honest about their emotions, they'd be able to support each other and get through this together. But his family never talks to each other about deep emotions.

Maybe that's his family's number one problem; they don't encourage each other to open up and talk. That's why his mom fights with his dad. Because they take their anger out on each other rather than sitting down and talking rationally about their anger.

And that's why his dad has been raping him for years. Because he didn't compromise sex with Sharon and so he felt like he had to fuck someone who wouldn't reject him. It also explains why his sister beats him up all the time. Because she's upset with the world and instead of dealing with it by talking her emotions out, she beats him up.

Not that any of those are excuses for the way Stan was treated. It just explains some things. That's all. Stan goes to sleep one more time, feels drugged out for the rest of the day, and watches TV with his mom for a bit. Again, they don't talk about their emotions but at least they have each other.

Stan goes to sleep at night sleeping on the floor. He still doesn't have the energy to pick the vomit up, even though it's disgusting. The floor is more comfortable than you'd think. The carpet is soft and warm. He found throw up on his covers so he uses one thing blanket to sleep with.

He's the type of person who needs a blanket to sleep. He's tried sleeping without blankets before but he always wakes up in the middle of the night without them. He has a hard time getting to sleep because he's been sleeping all day. He still feels drugged out but not in a tired way. In a more spaced out way.

He worries about tomorrow, worrying and worrying and he refuses to let himself cry over his mom's tears. Instead, he pushes his feelings down. He doesn't know when he falls asleep. He just does.


	10. Self Blame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I apologise for the short chapter and late update. I've been having problems with drugs lately and the person who I wrote "The Drugs That Keep Me High" about is back in my life. I'm probably going to be a drug addict again. Fuck.

Stan doesn't know why he had hope that Cartman or Kyle would keep their mouths shut. Kyle was scared and so of course he felt the need to vent to Cartman and Kenny while Cartman probably thought that what happened is funny and so he went around telling everyone about it.

So, here he is. Cartman is calling him a "daddy sucker" and Kyle is giving him an apologetic face. He doesn't know what part Kyle is apologizing for. Maybe for everything. But Stan doesn't blame him. If anything, he blames himself.

He really needs to talk to Kyle later. They need to talk about how what happened is no one's fault. At lunch, Stan comes across his sister down the hall. Stan takes up his lunch time to talk to Kyle. They go outside to the bleachers. "I'm sorry about what happened," says Stan.

None of this was supposed to happen. Poor Kyle should've never been involved. He feels responsible for everything that happened. He didn't try near hard enough to get his dad to stop and he regrets it. "No. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for never realizing what was happening to you," says Kyle.

"None of this is your fault, Kyle. Don't blame yourself." Kyle looks down. "I know. It's just that I wish there was something I could've done to help." "You did the only thing you could do. Which was contact the police." Kyle looks up, thoughts changed.

"So...-" He trails off at first, unsure how to word what he wants to say without being hurtful. "-what happened to your dad?" Stan sighs. "I don't really know yet but he's probably going to jail. They have all the evidence they need to convict him. And I don't know what they're going to do with my sister."

Kyle's eyes hold another question but Stan already knows what he's going to ask. "No. She never, y'know, touched me." He's uncomfortable with words like "raped" and "abused" so he avoids using them as much as possible. "But she watched sometimes."

Kyle doesn't question any further, figuring Stan was already having a hard time talking about it. Besides, he gets the gist of it. Their talk lasts only five minutes and for the first time in a long time, their silence is awkward. Time seems to pass by slowly and neither of them know what else to say.

For once, Cartman saves the day. Or, he at least seems to. Until he starts bagging on Stan. "What are you guys doing? Talking about how sexy it was for Stan to have sex with his dad?" Kenny comes up and glares at Cartman with Kyle simultaneously. "Dude, shut up," he mumbles.

Kyle decides his mind can't emotionally take the awful joke, though, and he starts swinging at Eric. Eric wasn't prepared to be swung at and puts his arms up in defense. His eyes are closed because Kyle is punching his face and he leans back, trying to distance himself from the threat.

After a while, Kyle stops.

The four teenagers stand around in silence saying nothing until the bell rings.


	11. A/N: Do any of you want this story to continue?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I apologise for the fact that this isn't an update.

First question: do you want this story to continue

Extra question if you have time: is this story too detailed with the abuse?

I feel like, since I already have so many stories to work on, I need to prioritize which stories to finish for the time being. I feel as if not many people like this story. The amount of kudos to actual views/hits aren't high. (In other words, there's 600 views but not that many likes.)

I like this story but it admittedly takes an emotional toll on me. The first chapter was one of, if not the, most triggering things I've written in my life. I don't have to worry about it because I won't write anything that bad in this story ever again. Just references to child abuse. But it's still messed up and dark. 

I find myself here and there wondering if what I have written is morally okay because even though my intentions are to write something relatable for those who have been abused, it also feels as if the details are unnecessarily dark and almost wrong.

And please don't be afraid to be honest. If you think this ff is awful and terrible, please don't hold back. Thank you!!!


	12. Court and The Verdict

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully this chapter is better than the last one. It's at least longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise for the autrocity the last chapter was and I'm sorry for how long it took for me to update. I appreciate all of your kind words and your words have encouraged me to continue this. Thank you.

Stan gets progressively worse over the weeks as the day for going to court to speak against his dad and sister comes closer and closer. He hasn't asked his mom about where his sister is living now that she legally can't go near him. He assumes she and their dad are both living in some apartment either together or separately. 

The teasing at school evolves into people gossipping being his back rather than speaking to his face out of fear of Wendy, Kyle, or Kenny getting upset. The gossip is almost more painful than the teasing was, at times. Especially when people speak "behind his back" right in front of him.

And it gets to him.

He's always been sensetive whether he wants to admit it or not. His sensitive mind, though, is strong. It's strong because it's been broken many times, building a tolerance to breaking. So when he breaks for only the 100th time, it hurts deeply. And it cuts him.

But he doesn't die from bleeding out because even though this is the worst he's ever bled, he still hasn't hit an artery. 

Stan knows about self harm and arteries a little too well. He used to litter himself with cuts when he believed the internet lie that accidentally hitting an artery was possible. He stopped two years ago when he found out the truth: to cut your artery, you have to cut through a little over half your entire wrist. 

It's an injury that he's learned to be practically impossible. No razor blade cuts deep enough to cut through over half of your wrist. You'd have to cut yourself in the same spot multiple times which is painful to the point of being unbearable. He knows because he's had nights where he pressed as hard as possible to his wrist with the edge of a razor blade and he's never cut his artery. He's never come close.

All of that said, Stan finds himself pressing a blade to his wrist. This time, it's different. He does it to watch the blood bleed, cleansing himself. Suicide weighs heavily on his mind but it's not the first time and it's not weighing heavily enough to kill him. 

Kyle asks him if he's okay here and there but it doesn't really help any. He easily says he's fine, lying to his best friend. But it doesn't reach his eyes. And Kyle sees this but he hasn't said anything about it yet. Even Cartman is upset, wanting Kyle to stop acting like a "pussy bitch." 

One day, Kenny silently hands him a pack of cigarettes and leaves. Stan is grateful. He's been too depressed to feel social enough to reach out to any dealers. He smokes half a cigarette whenever he feels down. It helps. In fact, it's what keeps him alive. That, and the cutting.

Another day passes and Stan lays down, thinking his thoughts. One particular thought opens a gate to flood proudness for himself making it through this far. He'd give himself a pat on the back but he's no longer a nine year old so he settles on giving himself a proud nod. 

He's almost positive that his mom knows he smokes by now but as long as she doesn't stop him, he doesn't really care. Although, admittedly, to a point, he wishes she cared enough to stop him from smoking. 

And even though it can't possibly be that she doesn't care about him, their relationship is cursed to always be full of misunderstandings for the rest of their lives.

Stan's mother fails to understand him him and his emotions which results in him pushing her away, feeling as if she's untrustworthy because of multiple times proven in the past that she isn't a reliable source of help.

It hurts him to know that his relationship with his family will never change. He admittedly had slight hope for his relationship with his mother after she admitted to everything. But he found that there wass no true hope after she stopped asking if he's okay and turned to pretending he's fine. 

As the time for Court draws closer, Stan feels more and more suicidal. He has to quit doing drugs several days before court so nothing is in his system when the police drug test him which proves to be hard. 

A few more days pass and Stan quits going to school. When it finally becomes the day for Court, he's very close to a suicde attempt. He regrets not committing suicide when he had the chance. The hours pass fast yet slow. 

During court, he sees his father and sister for the first time in weeks. He's asked many questions, most of which are severely triggering. He finds it hard to speak against his father. He still loves his dad, even after everything he's done to him. 

Many questions are asked and he feels out of place. Court goes by quickly because he doesn't even feel like he's in his body and he tries as hard as he can to hold his tears in throughout the questionings. He doesn't why he's such a pussy. All that happened was his dad touched him and sometimes his sister watched. It shouldn't be so traumatizing, he tries to tell himself. 

But it is. 

The rest of court, he sits in his seat next to his lawyer and he tries to keep himself together until finally, he hears his father and sister's verdicts. "Guilty." And now his father is being sentenced to 30 years to life of jail time while his sister is being added to the sex offender registry and is on parole.

Stan is glad it's over. At least he thinks so. Now all he has to deal with is the fallout. The aftermath of everything. Which has been proven, at times, to be worse than the bomb itself. He's scared but he pretends he's not. 'Will he ever stop pretending?' Maybe someday, he answers himself.

Maybe someday.


End file.
